The Conspiracy: Mesmo, Mesmo

Same, same

I have learned that all cellular service providers are the same. Of course, my sample size only includes Portugal and the US … yet I am convinced. There is a global conspiracy.

First the Good News

I wrote before about how inexpensive cell service is in Portugal compared to the US. For about 80€/month we had service for two cellphones with unlimited minutes and more data than we would need, high-speed internet, 200 channels, and a landline we will never install. A few months after opting for that package, I added 150 international minutes/month for 4.99€. Yes, there are other cheaper ways to communicate with a banker in the States, but this is convenient. And it seems a bargain when compared to the nearly $350/month we were paying in the States.

I also wrote about the “timeliness” of the cellular provider. Perhaps that should have been my first clue that all cellular providers are the same!

Off to MEO

Last week we met with the property manager of the Cascais apartment to ensure everything was up to snuff and discuss the exchange of the keys. At that time, I confirmed with her that it was my responsibility to return the router and TV “box” to MEO. There is a MEO store in downtown Cascais, so off I went. The young man working at the counter immediately switched to English when he heard me “bastardize” his language. I provided him my NIF, and a shopping bag containing the equipment, and he pecked away on the keyboard. A few moments later he gave me back the bag.

“I can’t help you,” he explained. “You first must cancel the service by phone.”

He asked for my cellphone and entered a number. “Someone will call you in a few minutes so you can cancel.” Low and behold, two minutes later I was speaking to a MEO representative. Slowly, poorly, I explained (in Portuguese) I needed to cancel some of my services. The representative responded at a speed that was beyond my capabilities.

“Por favor…por favor. Falo pouco Português. Pode falar mais devagar, por favor?” (Please, please. I speak a little Portuguese. Can you speak slower, please?”

Unfortunately, my pleads went unheeded. After a few unproductive exchanges, she hung up. At this point, the young man at the counter dialed another number on my cellphone. It seemed this number would provide an English-speaking representative. A few minutes later, I was speaking with Diago.

They’re All the Same

Diago explained that originally I had signed a two-year contract. (Frankly, I didn’t know that.) If I canceled today, I would have to pay the contracted amount (i.e. 12 months) in full immediately. However, if I remained on the service he could reduce my monthly bill by 10€. Same exact service, but cheaper. I explained I was moving to Vila Real de Santo Antonio. He asked for my address.

“Oh that is good,” he explained. “I can provide fiber at that address. It will be even faster.”

At that moment, my belief that there is a worldwide conspiracy was confirmed. You see, when we lived in the States I had the 10th of October marked on my calendar with an alarm. The alarm reminded me to call the “cable company” and play the “I want to cancel my service” game. Our annual contract with the company would be up sometime that week and I would get a bill showing a significant increase.

I would call the cable company and ask for a price reduction. They would say “no.” I would then say, “I would like to cancel my service.” Immediately, I would be transferred to another department. Typically a large room with hundreds of representatives’ voices in the background. The representative would peck away for fifteen minutes or so and then offer me everything I already had, plus two free premium channels for less than I was paying. I would agree. I would hang up wondering how anybody could have conceived of such a business model.

But it appears, no matter where you move … this is, in fact, the accepted business model.

What lesson should you take from this tale? As we learned last week, your transition will be easier if you can find an apartment that allows you to simply reimburse the landlord for utilities. If not, be certain to ask about the term of the contract … because, as I have learned, they are all the same.